Wednesday, May 19, 2010

When things don't go according to plan...

I'm a planner-a HUGE planner. I'm completely Type A (even though I wish I was a little less of that) and have had my life pretty much planned out as long as I could remember.

I was supposed to graduate high school, go to Oklahoma State University, take the LSAT and get into law school, finish law school, get married/start working, and have a baby all before I was 30. I know that sounds ridiculous-who plans out all of that? Unfortunately, I do. I have to have plans and goals so that I can work towards something, so I can see where my future is headed.

I think planning is good, but only if you can adjust when things don't go according to those plans. Because let's face it...I only have so much control over my life. I couldn't control having my appendix rupture and putting off law school, I can't control falling in love and getting married, etc. While I'm sooo glad that I did get that sick because it taught me so many things and I got to realize that law school wouldn't have been right for me, I'm still having trouble adjusting to this new life that I've built.

I'm 25 and I know that I'm not old by any means. But lately I'm watching my friends getting engaged, married and then have babies one by one. I have friends that have been married and divorced already, and while I definitely do not want that, I do envy the people that have found the person they want to be with.

The pure happiness I felt for my friends when I was 22 and 23 when they announced an engagement has been tainted with bitterness lately and I hate that. I am happy for them, but yet I wonder why I'm not there yet.

My biggest fear right now is that I won't be able to have my own children. Because of all the surgeries I had and the internal damage from the appendix rupture, the doctors told me it's likely going to be more difficult for me to get pregnant. Not impossible, but difficult. I want children so bad. I see myself as a mother, I want to feel a baby kick inside me and I just feel this pressure that the longer I wait to try, the harder it will be. I'm crying as I write this because I feel so defeated lately.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling and I wish I could write this more eloquently. I know I have plenty of time to get married and have children. Logically, I know this. But I just feel that I'd much rather spend these years with the person I was meant to be with-life is so short and I don't want time to just go by.

I think it's just one of those days. My house is a mess, I haven't been exercising lately, I've been eating junk food, the boy and I haven't been getting along this week, etc. It's all probably just catching up with me.

At least the weather matches my mood. It's incredibly stormy and there's been tornadoes over most of the state. I'm scared to death of these, so hopefully no one gets hurt.

If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that while I may not understand why things happen, they do happen for a reason. I know that He is taking care of me and knows where my life is headed even if I don't. Patience never was a strong virtue of mine though. I'm just trying to trust in Him.

5 comments:

  1. I could write thousands of words about how much I can relate, but that would take forever and probably bore you. But if it comforts you to know someone's right there with you, know that I am. I'm 28 and I thought I'd be married with several kids by now. And it's going to be difficult for me to have children as well. The men for us that are out there are just "marinating" for us. They're with all the wrong girls so they know they found the right one when they find us.

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  2. When it rains, it pours... when something brings you down, somehow the rest of your life can seem down too.

    Know that this too shall pass and you will be an amazing woman regardless of what life brings your way.

    Chin up, darlin'!

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  3. I can totally relate to a lot of the things you said. I will be praying for you!

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  4. First, I'm not in your shoes at all. But here is my perspective. We are pretty much the same age I believe. I just turned 24 in March. I got married 7 months ago to the guy I have been with for 6 years now. We had a nice long engagement I think it was 14 months. We never lived together and we bought a house a year before we were married - not to live in until we were married. We did renovations and all that, painted ect. But the past 7 months of my life have been less happy than before I got married, which is really sad. When you get married you see how the other really is. He is pretty lazy, doesn't help me do anything, just watched tv. I pay out about 400 dollars more in house expenses in a MONTH than he does and that isn't fair. Marriage isn't always roses. Just remember that. I hope that the perfect guy for you finds you, you are truely head over heels for each other, get married and still be so in love. And have some babies. :) Good luck Cassie. I just wanted to give you perspective from someone on the other side. It's not always something to envy is all. I wish I was in your shoes really.. a house that was mine(only), and maybe a do over on this marriage thing. :\

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  5. I'm so sorry sweetie. I got married when I was 28 and had my first bambino at 29. You have plenty of time. I wouldn't change a thing, because then I wouldn't have done it all with the hubs. Have faith that someday you will become a mommy when the person and timing are right!

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