Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I'm really sad...

I haven't spoken to "S" in nearly a month. It's the longest we've gone without speaking in almost two years. I know that I'm the one that broke up with him, but I'm struggling to remember why. Deep down I know that I was unhappy or I wouldn't have kept ending the relationship, but I really, really miss him. It's weird how I can go days and days being just fine and then it hits me like this. It's inevitable. Everytime we break up, and we've been dating off and on for the last 11 years, I just get overcome by emotion and feel like I'll never be okay without him. And in the past, he's always called right when I'm going through that so I can't wait to see him or talk to him and we try things all over again. And then, I remember why I wanted it to end in the first place. I don't think he'll call this time, though. It's the longest we've gone without talking since we broke up my sophomore year in college. We didn't date again until I graduated, but we did keep in touch. I think we were able to be friends because I didn't live in the same city anymore, because as soon as I moved back I wanted to be with him all the time. I just feel really sad today. I miss his friendship, I miss his hugs-he gives the best hugs, I miss the history that we have together and I miss that we could have been that cliched couple that marries their high school sweetheart and tells the story of how they met as kids to their own children. I'm sad because I fear the unknown. I'm sad that a majority of my friends are married, engaged, or in serious relationships and I've made the decision to be alone and start over with the whole process of finding someone new. And I know that I'm young, but I'm scared I won't meet the "right" person. For the longest time I thought "S" was that guy. No matter what pulled us apart, we always came back together. Eleven years is a long time and I spent most of those years knowing in my heart that I would end up with him. And I probably could have, it was me that brought an end to our relationship so many times. I just knew that we weren't right for each other anymore. That the people we used to be aren't the same as who we are now and that our relationship couldn't transcend that, but he was still my first and only true love and I'm having trouble accepting that change and moving on. I'm just sad...

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