Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Day 169

I got on the scale this morning and it said 196 lbs! I couldn't believe it. I've actually been doing reasonably well when it comes to not eating everything in site. I know my food choices aren't the best, but I'm moderating my portions and trying to only eat when I'm hungry. I would like to think that my scale is lying, but my pants are definitely tighter...what happened?!?! I'm going to try and not dwell on it too much and just keep making one decision at a time. I truly believe that all these small decisions can add up to something really great-like finally being in shape.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I'm back on track...

Today is off to a great start! I got to sleep in-hurrah for 3 day weekends :) I finally rolled out of bed around 11 and went to Panera to get my bagels for the next two weeks. I think I'm going to switch from peanut butter to veggie cream cheese for awhile just because the toaster at work is kind of old and the bagels don't really fit in it. I figure I can nuke the bagel and put cream cheese on it and it will be yummy!

I did go ahead and get a frozen caramel from Panera and had that as my breakfast. It probably wasn't the best decision though since I drank it on an empty stomach and I haven't been feeling so hot. I figure it's just a lesson learned and at least I skipped buying a cookie or brownie or something to go with the drink.

A few hours later I had a french bread pizza single and just ate that. Normally I would eat a couple of those or just start munching and eating a bunch of other stuff. I stopped today once I was done and that's part of why today is so great! I'm really just trying to get my portions and emotional eating under control. I can do this!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Well the past two days were great when it came to what I was eating, but I messed up today. It all started with some shopping. My mom wanted to take me shopping to get some new clothes because she hates how I dress. We have absolutely opposite tastes in clothing, but I do need some new clothes (nothing fits anymore!) so I went along with it. We get to the mall and I realize that in order to find pants that fit I'm going to have to go up to a size 18, which really sucks because two years ago I was in a size 8. So I'm trying on all these clothes and fighting with my mom because she keeps picking out things that a 40 year old would wear and I just start to get depressed. I look horrible in almost everything. We ended up with two shirts and one pair of pants, which my mom didn't even really like. It's just frustrating to have all your flaws staring you in the face-big hips, flabby arms, stomach and back fat, etc. That's why I haven't been going shopping and just started wearing sweats when my jeans all got too small. Well anyway, you would think that experience would motivate me to lose weight, but instead I came home and ate a moon pie, 3 taquitos, and a fudge popsicle. Then for dinner I had two hot dogs, tater tots, and an ice cream from Braums. I wasn't even hungry when I ate most of it. I know I just got discouraged and ate instead of dealing with it. I did have two good days though so hopefully I can just get started right again tomorrow.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

So far so good....

The past two days have been great when it comes to what I eat. I've had amazing portion control and have only eaten when I've actually been hungry. That may not be a big deal to some people, but for me it's HUGE! I can eat and eat and eat even when I'm not hungry just because there is food in front of me or I'm in a bad mood. So let's hope the goodness continues!

I haven't done anything when it comes to exercising, but I'm taking on one thing at a time. I woke up on Friday and weighted 195 lbs and then this morning it was down to 192.5 (and I'm sure that's just water weight), but I figure I'll stick with the eating thing and then slowly add exercise. Otherwise I get overwhelmed and feel like I've failed if I can't keep up with it all.

It's a three day weekend, which I couldn't be more excited about! It's giving me some much needed time to catch up on things that I haven't gotten to. I really want to make my life the best it can be and for me that means living in a peaceful and serene environment. Right now my apartment is a mess with mail that needs to be gone through, papers that need to be filed, and it just plain needs to be cleaned. Hopefully I can tackle all of that by the time I go back to work-bliss!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Yay for me!

I'm so proud of myself when it comes to eating today! For breakfast I had Kashi crackers because I'm out of all my breakfast stuff (bagels, fiber pop-tarts, etc.) and that was amazing in itself because I normally would have gone downstairs and ordered a burrito or hash browns. For lunch I went to City Bites and got a turkey and provolone 6 inch sub and skipped my normal cookie and then for dinner I had a kids meal at Pei Wei. I am about to leave and get a pint of frozen yogurt to enjoy tonight, but I've done waaay better then I've been doing for weeks. Night!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm in a funk

I know it's pretty obvious that I'm having trouble with this whole healthy lifestyle thing. Nearly all of my posts lately have been about how I've messed up and while I want to be positive, I just can't ignore the truth-that's I've been royally screwing up.

I'm not even sure what the problem is. I seem to be doing okay with this whole break up thing, but maybe I'm not. I'm eating much more than I was even a couple of weeks ago and I've noticed a tendency to get extremely irritated (although I happen to believe that's because extremely irritating things have been happening!). For example, I need to go month to month on my apartment lease for a while until I move later this year. Well the lease says that the month to month amount is $100 + market rent. Well I call this morning and they tell me that my rent is above market rent and that I have to pay that plus the $100, which is in direct conflict with the lease language! Then I find out that I have to give them 60 days notice of vacating on a MONTH to MONTH lease. Please explain to me why I have to give 60 days notice when I'm choosing to extend my lease by 30 days at a time...this apartment is hell and I CANNOT wait to be done with it. Hopefully it won't be too much longer.

I digress, the point of this post is to say that I'm sick of my attitude lately. I so very much want to be that person I envision in my head. I know that I can, but I've got make some really big changes. It's scary to think that so far from my goals, well maybe it's just overwhelming. There's nothing stopping me though and it's about time I get started!

Today has been fine so far when it comes to eating. It's only 9am so I've had a plain bagel toasted with peanut butter. I have a frozen meal for lunch so if I can avoid snacking, I'll be doing great!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It's been a not so good day...

My day started off on the wrong foot...I got to work and found out that someone had changed around all my appointments and I had a bunch of emails that were complete nonsense so I was irritated by that. Then our entire computer system decided to not work so I had absolutely nothing I could do from 7:10am-12:35pm. I ended up going to lunch with a co-worker at 11:30am because I absolutely could not stand sitting there for another minute. At lunch I proceeded to eat two GIANT pieces of pizza while I vented about a bunch of work stuff that's really been bothering me. Then on my drive home I go by the video store to rent some movies and they tell me I have a one day late fee from my last movie, so it cost me over $15 to rent two movies-ridiculous! And I'm almost positive that I didn't really have a late fee, but whatever. Then the traffic was horrible and it took me forever to drive the 1/2 mile from the video store to my apartment. I am now fighting the insane urge to just eat anything I can find to soothe myself. Grrr!

Monday, May 18, 2009


So for all my good intentions yesterday morning, I fell hard and I mean hard! I ended up eating so many cookies I had to just throw them in the trash so I would quit. And then I ate a sensible dinner but went out and got a candy bar sundae with marshmallow topping and then proceeded to just keep eating whatever I could find at home. Uh, yeah...ridiculous.

So I've been trying to figure out what sent me into that kind of binge and I think one of my triggers is driving around. After dinner I decided to go for a drive and just think about things and I kept going by all these fast food places. Eventually I just gave in and got the sundae, but I wasn't satsified (probably because I didn't really even want the sundae to begin with) and just ate whatever was around.

Today is a new day though and I'm determined to start over again and put myself in the mind frame of that woman I want to be. I want to make decisions like she would and not like I have been making. Hopefully today goes much better.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


So in terms of eating Friday and Saturday I failed BIG time! I ate just about anything my heart desired and I'm sure I'll pay for it on the scale. However, today I woke up and I visualized the person I want to be and decided to make decisions like I'm already that person. For example, when I see the future me, I see a girl that only eats when she's hungry and is active and loves life. So today I've only eaten when I've been hungry and I'm trying to stay busy. I think this will help me reach my goals that much quicker!
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